How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Randomize
