I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
