i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
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