I wish my penis had an off switch
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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