it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
