things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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