you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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