i just wanna soil my oats bro
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
