I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
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I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
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So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
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