I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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