How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
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