Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Randomize
