I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
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