after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I'm bleeding and have questions
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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