You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
you inspire me to be a worse person
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
