i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
