I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
