the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
