he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Randomize
