dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
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