I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
what day is it and did you see me today?
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize