Umm I'm too high to move.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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