At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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