I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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