I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
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I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
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Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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