My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
