So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
