i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
