he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
