Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize