It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
