You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
