I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Everclear isn't food dammit
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
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