Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Randomize
