I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.