is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?
you sound like my dream girl
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
19 Of The Creepiest (Most Inexplicable) Things People Experienced
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.