We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
23 Roommates Share Secrets Their Roomie Thinks They Don’t Know
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
29 Cringeworthy Situations People Realized They Shouldn’t Be In
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??