someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
Is it penis luge time yet?
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.