She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
The uberlube is also flammable
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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