I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I wear drunk well.
Randomize
