Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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