My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
