Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
The power of my boobs compel you
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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