That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
