Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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