Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
