What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
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