I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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