we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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