just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
