a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Randomize
