If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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