kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Someone stole a lamp last night.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
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