now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
