Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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