how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
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